Sometimes in order to better yourself as an artist, you must come up with things that push you to create based on feeling and how your mind’s eye sees the world. I belong to an amazing group of photographers that have a monthly challenge, and in this challenge, I was given just one word and create an image and blog post directed at my creative interpretation of that word. For this month the word given is…Blue.
Now, when I think of the word Blue it can have countless meanings to me and all depends on what hue of blue we are talking about so this post can go many different ways. For the sake of making it simple, I am going to just base it on the deep dark blue that is almost black. I came up with the image first then decided to explain what I was feeling as I created the image second. I am a photographer so the visual aspect is easy for me but the written one takes a lot more work so here it is.
I choose to interpret a deep dark blue one that is almost black, I think of the depths of the ocean or the vastness of the universe and tie it into the human psyche. One of the most complex things that we are still trying to figure out is how vast and uncharted the human mind and soul is. I have been experimenting with different types of multiple exposures and I always get the same feeling of unease when I see them.
I know I am not alone when I say that I struggle every day with many things in life. I struggle with the fact that I want to be the mother that my daughter deserves and feeling that in my mind I often fall short and never live up to the expectations I have for myself in my head. I struggle with the fact that my house is not always clean and so spotless that one could do open heart surgery in it…when in reality my house if far from that clean because the second I turn around the one thing I just cleaned is dirty again. I struggle with being the wife I want to be for my husband. I struggle with being a severe people pleaser and never feeling like I could do enough. I struggle with the fact that I am a confirmed empath and every single human emotion that is felt in a 10-foot radius by anyone I soak up like a sponge. I struggle with trying to be a good daughter and sister and friend and family member. I struggle with am I a good enough person. I struggle to run my photography business and keep it afloat financially because I have yet to see a paycheck from it after 3 years, just a lovely bunch of debt.
I have tried hard to be all these things and still have time for me and at the end of the day, my emotional energy tank is usually on empty and Nicole is no longer a priority. It is not empty because I have a daughter or a husband or family or friends, it is empty because I am the one draining it with my unrealistic expectations of what type of person I should be and just be content with who I am and the knowledge that I am human and the superwoman I try so hard to become does not exist.
I have a very hard time taking pictures of myself so this image is going out of my comfort zone. Yes, this is a picture of me, a crazy mess of a person. In the past, I did not despise pictures of myself when I was 50lbs lighter and did not have so many telltale signs of ageing and years of needless worry on my face. But now I take a picture of myself and look at it with disgust.
I was asked a question once by a very intuitive older woman. She asked me if I were to hear someone telling my daughter all the nasty things I tell myself and expect the totally unattainable expectations of her that I do of myself what would I do. That answer was simple to me and took little effort and no time to answer. I would say some choice phrases that I could not say here and then I would make sure they felt my momma bear wrath. This wise woman then asked my why I did it to myself. She told me to pretend that I have an inner child and to protect that child like I do my daughter, not only protect her from others but most of all to protect her from myself. This made me see things differently because I would never treat another human being as bad as I treat myself and no wonder my health is suffering because of it.
Life is all about the balance, the yin and the yang where all things you do must have a complete opposite to balance the equation. Yes, I do need to push myself to be better at all things and certain amounts of it are healthy and makes me grow as a person but then I need to come back around and pat myself on the back for a job well done sometimes and look backwards to see how far I have come and how much I have accomplished. The photograph shows how many different directions I go with day to day life and trying not to dive deep into the vastness. Without this balance, there is so much darkness in the human soul with just a small dose of light to make the hue a deep dark blue.
The Artists Inspired Blog Circle is made up of an exceptionally talented group of photographers from all walks of life, from all over the world. They are wives, mothers, friends, daughters and visual storytellers who draw from their own experiences to create art that is inspiring, unique, beautiful and thought-provoking.
To keep this circle going please Click Here to read the blog on the Color blue and her creative take on it by the talented
Life By Danie.
Nicole Cowan owner of Sweetellabella Photography and instructor of those that want to learn the art of photography.
The owner of Sweetellabella Photography and instructor of those that want to learn the art of photography.